i’m sick of you and me.
of your lips and how they know me,
of your hands and how they owned me,
of our future as real as our memories.
i’m sick of how your body still fits perfectly with mine,
and of hoping that’s enough to make you change your mind.
i’m sick of time and how it’s taking its time.
of missing those mornings we spent intertwined.
i’m sick of sleeping in your clothes,
of how you feel like coming home.
this can’t be over. it’s not for me.
but i’m sick of how it is and again will never be.
i’m sick, so sick of how i’m not sick of you and me.
1. they’re gross.
2. sometimes they let you down. especially when alcohol is involved.
3. they always wish they were bigger.
4. they look better when they’re not completely shaven.
5. they’re both dicks.
6. you never know exactly how much you’re gonna get out of them.
7. or how far it’ll go.
(though it’s way more fun trying to get something out of a penis than a man)
8. they like you better when you’re naked.
9. the good ones always stand up for you.
10. it hurts to let them in sometimes.
11. sometimes they smell.
12. they’re unique. like snowflakes. gross, scary snowflakes.
13. little ones freak me out.
14. we can’t live without them.
so. as i’m a clinically depressed, painfully single, female, atheist…it only goes to follow that i would be an ordained minister - capable of performing marriages. please know, i don’t take this responsibility lightly. i’ve been a reverend since 2002 and have been crafting my vows ever since. just waiting for the perfect couple. sure i could just perform ceremonies with the usual vows that every tom, dick and reverend uses but given the divorce rate in this country? i’m gonna say that they’re not that effective (or binding).
i’ve finally finished em and here they are:
do you man take this woman as your heartfully wedded wife?
to love and treat like both a princess and your equal simultaneously?
in sickness and health?
craziness and sanity?
skinny days and fat days?
do you swear to hang out with her friends, make her laugh and always respond to texts as soon as she sends them?
to look at her like barack obama looks at michelle?
do you vow to snuggle the shit out of her and make her feel like the most loved woman in the world?
and most importantly, do you promise to love her as fiercely and passionately as you can until you can’t anymore and when that happens, do you promise to walk away kindly and compassionately?
do you woman, take this man to be your heartfully wedded husband?
to love and treat like the president of the united states and your equal simultaneously.
in sickness and health?
douchiness and sweetness?
hairiness and baldness?
do you swear to pretend to like the things that he likes, try freaky shit in bed, and not send 8MM texts every day?
to build him up and support him like michelle does for barack?
do you vow to make him feel like the most important man in your world (besides your daddy of course) and love him even when he screws up. royally?
and most importantly, do you promise to love him as fiercely and passionately as you can until you can’t anymore and when that happens, do you promise to walk away kindly and compassionately?
i now pronounce you ball and chain (you guys can decide who’s what).
**obviously vows are interchangeable for same sex marriages
of saying ‘if’ -
it breaks me.”
-less than zero